This topic contains 1,005 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by 
Micks 2 years, 10 months ago.
-
Posts
-
<span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql rrkovp55 a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v knj5qynh oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>I crashed my car this morning on the motorway and had to leave it on the hard shoulder. I phoned up my insurance company and the woman on the phone asked, “Are you in the AA?” I said, “No, but I am concerned I’ve been drinking too much.”</span>
One crisp winter morning in Sweden, a cute little girl named Greta woke up to a perfect world, one where there were no petroleum products ruining the earth. She tossed aside her cotton sheet and wool blanket and stepped out onto a dirt floor covered with willow bark that had been pulverized with rocks. “What’s this?” she asked.“Pulverized willow bark,” replied her fairy godmother.“What happened to the carpet?” she asked.“The carpet was nylon, which is made from butadiene and hydrogen cyanide, both made from petroleum,” came the response.Greta smiled, acknowledging that adjustments are necessary to save the planet, and moved to the sink to brush her teeth where instead of a toothbrush, she found a willow, mangled on one end to expose wood fibre bristles.“Your old toothbrush?” noted her godmother, “Also nylon.”“Where’s the water?” asked Greta.“Down the road in the canal,” replied her godmother, ‘Just make sure you avoid water with cholera in it”“Why’s there no running water?” Greta asked, becoming a little peevish.“Well,” said her godmother, who happened to teach engineering at MIT, “Where do we begin?” There followed a long monologue about how sink valves need elastomer seats and how copper pipes contain copper, which has to be mined and how it’s impossible to make all-electric earth-moving equipment with no gear lubrication or tires and how ore has to be smelted to a make metal, and that’s tough to do with only electricity as a source of heat, and even if you use only electricity, the wires need insulation, which is petroleum-based, and though most of Sweden’s energy is produced in an environmentally friendly way because of hydro and nuclear, if you do a mass and energy balance around the whole system, you still need lots of petroleum products like lubricants and nylon and rubber for tires and asphalt for filling potholes and wax and iPhone plastic and elastic to hold your underwear up while operating a copper smelting furnace and . . .“What’s for breakfast?” interjected Greta, whose head was hurting.“Fresh, range-fed chicken eggs,” replied her godmother. “Raw.”“How so, raw?” inquired Greta.“Well, . . .” And once again, Greta was told about the need for petroleum products like transformer oil and scores of petroleum products essential for producing metals for frying pans and in the end was educated about how you can’t have a petroleum-free world and then cook eggs. Unless you rip your front fence up and start a fire and carefully cook your egg in an orange peel like you do in Boy Scouts. Not that you can find oranges in Sweden anymore.“But I want poached eggs like my Aunt Tilda makes,” lamented Greta.“Tilda died this morning,” the godmother explained. “Bacterial pneumonia.”“What?!” interjected Greta. “No one dies of bacterial pneumonia! We have penicillin.”“Not anymore,” explained godmother “The production of penicillin requires chemical extraction using isobutyl acetate, which, if you know your organic chemistry, is petroleum-based. Lots of people are dying, which is problematic because there’s not any easy way of disposing of the bodies since backhoes need hydraulic oil and crematoriums can’t really burn many bodies using as fuel Swedish fences and furniture, which are rapidly disappearing – being used on the black market for roasting eggs and staying warm.”This represents only a fraction of Greta’s day, a day without microphones to exclaim into and a day without much food, and a day without carbon-fibre boats to sail in, but a day that will save the planet.Tune in tomorrow when Greta needs a root canal and learns how Novocain is synthesized.Teacher : Who is the President ofIraq ?Me : I don’t know MissTeacher : You need to focus more onyour studies.Me : Please Miss, can I ask aquestion ?Teacher : Yes.Me : Do U know Angela ?Teacher : No, why ?Me : You need to focus more on your husband…!Paddy phoned his boss’s mobile.“I’m on the train heading to the south coast now.”“What..?” his boss replied, sounding a bit annoyed.“It’s five o’clock in the bloody morning,what are you doing on a train?”“You tell me,” Paddy replied.“You’re the one who told me to be in Brighton early this morning…..<span class=”tojvnm2t a6sixzi8 abs2jz4q a8s20v7p t1p8iaqh k5wvi7nf q3lfd5jv pk4s997a bipmatt0 cebpdrjk qowsmv63 owwhemhu dp1hu0rb dhp61c6y iyyx5f41″> </span>Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Switzerland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat’s milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.“These,” she explained, “are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.”She then asked, “What do you do in America with your old goats?”A spry old gentleman answered, “They send us on bus tours!”A group of Irish lads are out in Spain on holidays..On one of their nights out they encountered a young man from Dublin.He was so drunk that he could hardly stand.The lads asked him his name and he said; “Phillip Maguire.”The lads told him; ” It’s not safe being here on your own. We are going to look after you! “So for the rest of the holiday the lads looked after Phillip.He was filled with booze day in and day out.Philip tried to explain something to them but the lads just said; ” Dont you worry pal, you are in good hands! We are going to look after and make sure that you have a great holiday.”When the holiday was over the lads took Phillip back with them.“Which part of Dublin are you from?” They asked him.“Ballyfermot! “He muttered.So they headed to Ballyfermot and went to the address that Phillip had given them.When they arrived one of the lads went to check it it was the correct address.He went up to the door and rang the bell.A woman answered; ” Hello, can I help you?”“Yes! ” The lads answered; “I was wondering is this the home of Philip Maguire?”” Why yes it is. But he’s not here. He is over in Spain on his honeymoon…!”<span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql rrkovp55 a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v knj5qynh oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>My son is three-years-old and I took him shopping. When we got home, he had a chocolate bar in his pocket. Now, I didn”t buy it and he certainly didn”t buy it, so I marched him straight back to the shopping centre – and took him to the jewellers….</span>
EVER WONDER …?Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?Why is the person who invests all your money called a broker?Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?Why do they sterilise the needle for lethal injections?Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
An American walks into an Aussie pub and says,“This place looks like the ass end of the world.”“Just passing through, are you?” replies the bartender.The wife just challenged me to an online high-pitched sound hearing test. “The dogs are going mental but how can you still hear something?” She asked. “I’m a married man,” I replied, ” we’re used to whiny, drawn-out, unpleasant screeching noises.”<span id=”jsc_c_xr” class=”bp9cbjyn j83agx80 b3onmgus”></span><span id=”jsc_c_xr” class=”bp9cbjyn j83agx80 b3onmgus”></span>
<span class=”tojvnm2t a6sixzi8 abs2jz4q a8s20v7p t1p8iaqh k5wvi7nf q3lfd5jv pk4s997a bipmatt0 cebpdrjk qowsmv63 owwhemhu dp1hu0rb dhp61c6y iyyx5f41″> </span>All these months of doom and gloom headlines about the pandemic, wishing for that one positive headline. Something to cheer your heart and make all the isolation, queues, sanitising etc…. worthwhile and give the nation something to celebrate.Britain’s got talent cancelled until 2022. !…. That will do nicely.O’Toole applied for a forklift job at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin.A Norwegian applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager.When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.The manager went to O’Toole and said: “Thank you for coming to the interview, but we’ve decided to give the Norwegian the job.”And why would you be doing that? replied O’Toole, “We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job?”The manager responded, “We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong.”“And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?”That’s simple. On question number 7 the Norwegian wrote down – ‘I don’t know.’You wrote – ‘Neither do IBrian from accounts passed me this morning as I was going to work, he must have been doing at least 100mph.Mind you, he did jump from the thirty-second floor!!Meghan Markle has accused the Royal firm of racism by implying one of them speculated how black her offspring would be…
However she has refused to name exactly WHO made the remark.
If you think you know who it could possibly have been, send your guess to ..
PRINCE PHILIP COMPETITION
BBC NEWS
ENGLAND<span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql rrkovp55 a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v knj5qynh oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>A farmer had a three legged pig and his neighbor asked him why the pig had only three legs. “Well, I’ll tell you” the farmer replied. “One day I was plowing my field and the tractor turned over and pinned me underneath. That pig ran for help. He saved my life”. “Oh, that’s how he lost his leg?” the neighbour drawled. “No. One night my wife and I were sound asleep and the house caught on fire. That pig woke us up. He saved our lives!” “So that’s how he lost his leg”, stated the neighbour. “No, that wasn’t it” the farmer affirmed. Exasperated, the neighbour demanded “Then how did he lose his leg?” and the farmer replied, “When you have a pig that good, you don’t eat him all at once!”</span>
An Italian on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy,went to the local church for confession in 1960.When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the mansaid, “Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from ourneighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.”The priest replied, “That was a wonderful thing you did, and you haveno need to confess that.”“There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexualfavors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice onSundays.”The priest said, “That was a long time ago and by doing what you did,you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under thosecircumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.”“Thank you, Father. That is a great load off my mind. I do have onemore question.”“And what is that?” asked the priest.“Should I tell her the war is over?”Meghan Markle was visiting a primary school and she visited one of the classes.They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Meghan if she would like to lead the discussion on the word “tragedy”.
So the the attention seeking soap star asked the class for an example of a “tragedy”.
One little boy stood up and offered: “If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills
him, that would be a ‘tragedy'”.
” No,” said Meghan, “that would be an accident.”
A little girl raised her hand: “If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.”
“I’m afraid not,” explained Meghan “That’s what we would call a great loss.”
The room went silent. No other children volunteered.Meghan searched the room.
“Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?”
Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand…In a quiet
voice he said: “If the aeroplane carrying you and your husband was
struck by a “friendly fire” missile and blown to smithereens, that
would be a tragedy.
“Fantastic!” exclaimed Meghan. “That’s
right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?”
“Well,” says the boy “It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn’t be a great loss and it probably wouldn’t be a fucin accident either
TEACHER: “Why are you late,Johnny?”JOHNNY: “Because of the sign Miss!.”TEACHER: “What sign?”JOHNNY: “The one that says, School Ahead, Go Slow.”
You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
