This topic contains 1,005 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by 
Micks 2 years, 10 months ago.
-
Posts
-
I was being chatted up by a right ugly bird in the pub last night.She said to me, “Have you got a nickname?”l said, “Yes, my mates call me ‘the sledge.'”She giggled and said, ‘Is that because you’re a smooth ride?”l said, “No, it’s because l always get pulled by dogs!!” <span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”>
</span>Three guys died together in a terrible accident. Fortunately, they went to heaven.St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here: Don’t step on the ducks, as they are God’s favourite creation.”They enter heaven and see ducks everywhere, and it’s almost impossible not to step on a duck. The first guy accidentally steps on one, and soon here comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman you’ve ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment is to be chained to this ugly woman forever.”The next day the second guy steps on a duck, and sure enough, St. Peter comes with another real ugly woman and chains them together.Seeing this, the third guy is very, very careful. He goes for months and doesn’t step on any ducks. Then one day, St. Peter comes along with this beautiful woman, a blue-eyed blonde, very young and very sexy. He chains them together and leaves without saying a word.The man remarks, “Wow! This is great! I wonder what I did to deserve this?”The Blonde says, “I don’t know about you, but I just stepped on a duck.”Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say,“My name is Mick and I’m an alcoholic?”Today’s my birthday so my wife said she’d do my “favourite fantasy.” I had her put on a cute apron as a “naughty housewife” in the kitchen. She just stood there for 15 minutes, and then she said, “Well, aren’t you going to come get it over with and give me a rogering ?”I replied, “No, I just love seeing you where you belong at the stove.”A wealthy old man was lying on his deathbed, when it occurred to him he had never made a will, so he called his lawyer to help him make his will. The following day his lawyer came, and the wealthy man said, “I want 25% of my money to go to charity. After all I’ve taken, I should give something back.”“How generous of you,” the lawyer responded. “I’ll make sure it happens right away.”“I also want 25% of it to go to my son. He’s been counting the days till he could get my money,” the old man said.“Okay, I’ll make sure he receives 25% of it,” the lawyer replied.“I want the rest to go to my wife, on condition that she remarries after I die,” the old man said.“Okay, I’ll ensure that that happens, but may I ask why you want her to remarry? It’s a quite obscure request,” the lawyer asked.“I want to make sure at least one man regrets my death,” the old man said…<span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql rrkovp55 a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v knj5qynh oo9gr5id” dir=”auto”><span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql rrkovp55 jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v knj5qynh oo9gr5id”>Did you know Jesus Christ was going to be called Brian, but Joseph stubbed his toe on the way into the Registry Office ! </span></span>
Did a sexual harassment course earlier today at work. Think I’m going to be really good at it.
Ordered some Chinese food last night.
When it got delivered, the Chinese man said “£20.00 pwease”
I said, “Do you know what Katie Prices son is called?”
He said “Harfey Pwice.”
I said “Cheers ting tong, here’s a tenner now fuk off”There was a girl busking in town today.. Who asked.. Any Requests?Your thong… I repliedThe crowd gasped, and her friend punched me in the face! <span class=”pq6dq46d tbxw36s4 knj5qynh kvgmc6g5 ditlmg2l oygrvhab nvdbi5me sf5mxxl7 gl3lb2sf hhz5lgdu”>
</span>I gueth thome people don’t like Elton John!!I just told my wife I’m going to start smoking marijuana.She said, if I did she was going to leave me.So, there is your proof that marijuana gets rid of pains….<span id=”jsc_c_en” class=”bp9cbjyn j83agx80 b3onmgus”></span>
<span class=”tojvnm2t a6sixzi8 abs2jz4q a8s20v7p t1p8iaqh k5wvi7nf q3lfd5jv pk4s997a bipmatt0 cebpdrjk qowsmv63 owwhemhu dp1hu0rb dhp61c6y iyyx5f41″> </span>The Doctor said to Paddy’s wife, “Quick! Paddy is having a stroke!” Paddy’s wife replied, ” Shit, not again, Should I look the other way?”
One fine day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine.He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny.As he gets closer, he realises that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.Jim excitedly calls out to his golfing partner “Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here.”Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out “What’s the matter Jim?” Jim shouts back in a nervous voice:“Throw me my 7-iron! You can’t get out of here with an 8-iron. “<span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql rrkovp55 a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v knj5qynh oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>Little Mary wanders into her parent bedroom late one night and asks if they know how long they have lived at that house, then she holds up two fingers. “Yes, two years’ said mommy “well done”. The following night she again appears in their room asks if they know how many kittens they have. She then answers her own question by (correctly) holding up three fingers. Two nights later, she’s back to ask if they know how old she will be on her birthday next week, and as her parents look at her she holds up five fingers. “Well done again” said mommy “Don’t you agree daddy ?” “Sod that “ said daddy, clearly exasperated, “I want to know where she is getting all those fingers from !”</span>
I went to the garage this morning for petrol. The first pump wouldn’t work, the second wouldn’t nor the third. I went into the shop and said to the blonde girl behind the counter, “Have you got your pumps on?”She said, “No, I’m wearing Ugg boots<span id=”jsc_c_k9″ class=”bp9cbjyn j83agx80 b3onmgus”></span>
<span class=”tojvnm2t a6sixzi8 abs2jz4q a8s20v7p t1p8iaqh k5wvi7nf q3lfd5jv pk4s997a bipmatt0 cebpdrjk qowsmv63 owwhemhu dp1hu0rb dhp61c6y iyyx5f41″> </span>As a kid I used to crawl down the stairs pretending to be spider manAs an adult I crawl up the stairs pretending to be sober<span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql rrkovp55 a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v knj5qynh oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>I had an affair with a stunning woman once but it didn’t last. Not wanting my wife to discover any perfume or make up on me, I told her not to wear any. And then I didn’t fancy her anymore.</span>
“I always stir my tea with my left hand”,said the Englishman.“I always stir my tea with my right hand”,said the Scotsman.“How about you?” the Irishman was asked.”Oh me?” said the Irishman,”I always use a feckin spoon”With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old woman was able to give birth.When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.“May we see the new baby?” one asked.“Not yet,” said the mother. “I’ll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.”Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, “May we see the new baby now?”“No, not yet,” said the mother.After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, “May we see the baby now?”“No, not yet,” replied the mother.Growing very impatient, they asked, “Well, when can we see the baby?”“WHEN HE CRIES!” she told them.“Why do we have to wait until he CRIES?”“BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM. O.K.?”My wife is leaving me because I ask for sex far too often.
We’re going to see a divorce lawyer tomorrow. The wife says she wants a quickie.
And she’s got the cheek to talk about me?..A woman who was widowed at a very young age was in the store buying groceries one day. And being several months since her husband died, she was feeling a little lonely. She noticed the young boy who was bagging her groceries at the checkout, a strong strapping country boy. And she asked him if he would carry her groceries out to the car for her. On the way out to the car she takes the boy by his arm and whispers in his ear. “I have an itchy pussy.” The boy looks her right in they eye and says. “Lady you’ll have to point that one out, all those Japanese cars look the same to me.”
You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
