This topic contains 1,005 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by 
Micks 2 years, 10 months ago.
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<span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql rrkovp55 a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v knj5qynh oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>My wife was reading some of her quiz questions out of Cosmo, and she turned to me and asked, “Have you ever had sex with a really fat woman?” …She said it with a straight face too!</span>
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This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by Micks.
1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.2. To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.4. It’s the start of a brand new day, and I’m off like a herd of turtles.5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.6. When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.8. I had my patience tested. I’m negative.9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.10. If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, “Did you bring the money?”11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.13. I run like the winded.14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?17. I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.18. When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east.”19. Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out.20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.-
This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by Micks.
9th November: Pfizer & BioNTech announce a vaccine that is 90% effective but has to be stored at in an industrial freezer.16th November: Moderna announces a vaccine that is 95% effective that can be stored in a fridge.17th November: Trump and Domestos announce a vaccine that is 99% effective and can be kept under the sink!!<span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql rrkovp55 a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v knj5qynh oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>I told the barman at my local that he could borrow my sex doll any time he wanted. “Eugh! That’s disgusting!” he exclaimed. “Yeah,” I said, “but you were pretty quick to jump on my ex-girlfriend weren’t you?”</span>
2 cops and their police dog are standing outside a pub when a drunk walks out grabs the dog by the tail lifts the tail up has a look puts it back down shakes his head and walks away2nd drunk walks out grabs the dog by the tail lifts it up has a look puts it back down shakes his head and walks away3rd drunk walks out grabs the dog by the tail lifts it up has a look puts it down shakes his head and starts to walk away when the cops grab him and say what are you doing to our dogThe drunk replies the bartender inside said there is a dog outside with 2 arseholes and i wanted to see for myself!The England vs Barbarians rugby match was cancelled because some of the Barbarians went for a meal against covid regulations.Because sticking your head between arses in the scrum, is much safer than ordering the meal for four, isn’t it?.Mother in law just fell down a wishing well…I’m in shock….I didn’t think those things actually worked….!I went to see the doctor with a persistent neck problem. It’s agony every time I tilt my neck upwards I explained It’s really affecting my lifestyle and quality of life.”
In what way? He asked.
I’m struggling to finish my fucing Beer!<span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql rrkovp55 a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v knj5qynh oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>During all of the isolation time, I decided to take up a few musical instruments. I figure if I’m proficient enough, I can use my talents to make a few extra bucks. So far I’ve learned banjo, accordion and bag pipes. The offers have already started to pour in. You would be surprised how much people are willing to pay me not to play.</span>
<span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql rrkovp55 a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v knj5qynh oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>I got sacked from PC world yesterday…A woman came in the store and asked me what was the best thing for finding your ancestors…I said a shovel…</span>
It’s nearly that time of year when we get a visit from that fat character with a beard bringing presents for the kids.I hate my mother Inlaw!!.Lawyer: I have some good news and some bad news.Client: Well, give me the bad news first.Lawyer: The bad news is that the DNA tests showed that it was your blood they found all over the crime sceneClient: Oh no! I’m ruined! What’s the good news?Lawyer: The good news is your cholesterol is down to 130There are better things in the world than alcohol but I don’t have them so alcohol will have to do
<span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql rrkovp55 a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v knj5qynh oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>I don’t want to say that my wife’s large, but when she got hit by a truck I asked the driver, “Why didn’t go around her?” He said, “I didn’t have enough fucing petrol…” </span>
With Christmas fast approaching I was wondering if anybody still believes in Santa?I remember the day my parents told me Santa didn’t exist. I was so upset I got in my car and drove straight to the pub !At this time of year, I carry a stone when I go shopping. It’s for throwing at people who play or sing Christmas songs too early. I call it my Jingle Bell Rock. Sits nicely next to my ding a ling.<span id=”jsc_c_i5″ class=”bp9cbjyn j83agx80 b3onmgus”></span>
<span class=”tojvnm2t a6sixzi8 abs2jz4q a8s20v7p t1p8iaqh k5wvi7nf q3lfd5jv pk4s997a bipmatt0 cebpdrjk qowsmv63 owwhemhu dp1hu0rb dhp61c6y iyyx5f41″> </span><span class=”d2edcug0 hpfvmrgz qv66sw1b c1et5uql rrkovp55 a8c37x1j keod5gw0 nxhoafnm aigsh9s9 d3f4x2em fe6kdd0r mau55g9w c8b282yb iv3no6db jq4qci2q a3bd9o3v knj5qynh oo9gr5id hzawbc8m” dir=”auto”>Definition of a backhanded compliment: Your wife telling you, “Nobody makes love to me the way you do.”</span>
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper of 20 years, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 million. Guido is deaf which is why he got the job in the first place.The Godfather assumed that since Guido could not hear anything, he could never testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his personal lawyer because he knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, ‟Ask him where the money is!”The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, ‟Where‘s the money?”Guido signs back, ‟I do not know what you are talking about.” The lawyer tells the Godfather, ‟He says he doesn‘t know what you are talking about.”The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido‘s head and says, ‟Ask him again or I‘ll kill him!”The lawyer signs to Guido, ‟He will kill you if you do not tell him.”Guido trembles and signs back, ‟OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno‘s house.”The Godfather asks the lawyer, ‟What did he say?”The lawyer replies, ‟He says you don‘t have the balls to pull the trigger.”My wife told me she’s leaving me because I’m such a miserable bastardNow that’s cheered me up immenselyA Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again.
The local paper read: PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get
rid of the donkey.
The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted.
He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farm for $10.
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery and even shorten your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else’s ass and just cover your own !!!
You’ll be a lot happier and live longer! -
This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by
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