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Micks 2 years, 11 months ago.
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<article id=”js-XFUniqueId63″ class=”message-body js-selectToQuote”>I applied to emigrate to Australia and they asked me if I had a criminal record
I said I didn’t realize you still needed one</article>
<span style=”font-weight: 400;”><span style=”font-weight: 400;”><span style=”font-weight: 400;”>An Irishman goes to the doctor, who after examining him says</span></span></span>
<span style=”font-weight: 400;”><span style=”font-weight: 400;”><span style=”font-weight: 400;”>“You have some problems with your heart, but if you take these tablets, I think it will be okay.</span></span></span>
“So the doctor gives the man the tablets and the patient asks,
“Do I have to take them every day?”
No,” replies the doctor, “take one on the Monday, skip the Tuesday, take one on the Wednesday, skip the Thursday and go on like that.
<span style=”font-weight: 400;”><span style=”font-weight: 400;”>
“Two weeks later the doctor is walking down the street, and he sees the patient’s wife.</span></span>“Hello Mrs Murphy,” he says, “how’s your husband?”“Oh he died of a heart attack,” says Mrs Murphy.
“I’m very sorry to hear that,” says the doctor, “I thought if he took those tablets he would be all right.”
“Oh the tablets were fine,” says Mrs Murphy,
“It was all the bloody skipping that killed him!”
This is an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner submitted to Bunnings in Burleigh Heads. They hired him because he was so funny….
NAME:
Adam Land<span class=”text_exposed_show”>on Jones (Grumpy Bastard)</span>SEX:
Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)DESIRED POSITON:
Company’s Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying in the first place – would I?DESIRED SALARY:
$150,000 a year plus share options and a good redundancy package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.EDUCATION:
Yes.LAST POSITON HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.PREVIOUS SALARY:
A lot less than I’m worth.MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.REASON FOR LEAVING:
It was a crap job.HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.PRFFERRPD HOURS:
1:30 – 3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here’?DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 20kg.?:
Of what?DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITON?:
I may already be a winner of the Reader’s Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.DO YOU SMOKE?:
On the job – no! On my breaks – yes!WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits and who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread.
Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.NEAREST RELATIVE?:
12 KmsDO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
Oh yes. absolutely.————————–————————–————————–————————
After landing my new job as a Bunnings “Greeter” – a goodfind for many retirees, I lasted less than a day . . . . .
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting Bogan babe walked into the store with her two kids,yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly,
“Good morning and welcome to Bunnings.”
I then said,”Nice children you have there. Are they twins?”The woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
“No, they ain’t effin twins. The oldest one’s 9, and the other one’s 7, why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just effin stupid?”I replied, “I’m neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn’t believe someone shagged you twice…. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Bunnings.”
My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.
A woman went to the service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won’t work
The clerk told her that he can’t give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming,
‘PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!’The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager
in front of a growing crowd of customers.The manager comes to the woman and asks,’Ma’am what’s wrong?’
She explains the problem with the toaster, and he also tells her that he can’t give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screams,
‘PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!’which begins to draw an even bigger crowd!
In shock, the store manager pleads, ‘Ma’am, why are you saying that?’ ;
In a huff and panting breath, the woman says,
‘BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I’M BEING SCREWED !!’
The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!!
Little Johnny is passing his parents’ bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his mum and dad in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims “Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?” Daddy, relieved that Johnny’s not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mummy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out “Hang on tight, Daddy! This is where me and the milkman usually get thrown off!”
When the wife hooked up with me, she expected the 3 S’s:
Sensitivity, Sincerity and Sharing…
What she really ended up with were the 3 B’s:
Burps, Body odour and Beer Breath..!
I’m not saying I get distracted but…..
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. –
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:<span class=”text_exposed_show”>
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I walk toward the car,
I notice bills on the table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I put my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the bin under the table,
and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back
on the table and take out the dirt first.
But then I think,
since I’m going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.
so I go inside the house to my desk where
the computer is and I find the bottle of water I’d been drinking.
To get the keyboard first I need to push the water aside
so that I don’t accidentally knock it over.
The water is getting warm,
and I decide to put it in the fridge to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the water bottle,
I see a vase of flowers on the counter
they need water.
I put the water on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I’ve been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but first I’m going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I’ll be looking for the remote,
but I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the lounge where it belongs,
but first I’ll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some paper towels and wipe up the water
Then, I head down the passage trying to
remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
the car isn’t washed
the bills aren’t paid
there is a warm bottle of water sitting on the counter
the flowers don’t have enough water,
I can’t find the remote,
I can’t find my glasses,
and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all flipping day,
and I’m really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem,
and I’ll try to get some help for it,
but first I’ll check my e-mail….</span>Paddy Came Home Late
Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Finney. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket
broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing <span class=”text_exposed_show”>not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt, and Kathleen staring at him from across the room
She said, ‘You were drunk again last night, weren’t you?’
Paddy said, ‘Why would you say such a mean thing?
‘Well,’ Kathleen said, ‘it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly , it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.</span>Wrong NumberIt was last Wednesday night, and I was sitting in my room watching television when the phone rang.“Hello?” I said.A girl’s voice came over the line. “Can I speak to Ben, please?”I live by myself, and my name definitely is not Ben. It was probably a wrong number and I was bored. I replied, “I’m sorry, he’s not in right now. Can I take a message?”“Do you know what time he’ll be back?” she responded.“I think he said he’d be home around 10:00.”Silence on the other end… a confused silence.“Is this Steve?”My name isn’t Steve, either. This was definitely a wrong number.So I replied, “Yes, it is. Do you want to leave a message for Ben?”“Well… he said he would be home tonight and asked me to call him,” she said in a slightly irritated voice..I replied, “Well, he went out with Karen about an hour ago, and said that he would be back at 10:00.”A shocked voice now: “Who’s Karen?!”“The girl he went out with.”“I know that! I mean… who is she?”“I don’t know her last name. Look, do you want me to leave a message for Ben?”“Yes… please do. Tell him to call me when he gets home.”She was sounding pretty irate at this point, and I could hear her temper flaring. “I sure will. Is this Jennifer?”She exploded, “Who’s Jennifer?”Apparently she wasn’t.“Well… he’s going out with Jennifer at 10:00. I thought you were her. Sorry… it was an honest mistake.”“Ben’s the one that’s made the mistake! Tell him that Alice called him and the she’s very upset and that I would like him to call me as soon as he gets home.”I smiled and said, “Okay, I will… but Becky isn’t going to like this…”I went to a flower shop on my way to the hospice and asked for a dozen roses for my wife. “I’m sorry, sir,” said the florist, “I only have some with a couple of days life left in them.” “No problem,” I replied. “That’s more than enough.”<span id=”jsc_c_yl” class=”bp9cbjyn j83agx80 b3onmgus”></span>
<span class=”tojvnm2t a6sixzi8 abs2jz4q a8s20v7p t1p8iaqh k5wvi7nf q3lfd5jv pk4s997a bipmatt0 cebpdrjk qowsmv63 owwhemhu dp1hu0rb dhp61c6y iyyx5f41″> </span>A kid walks into a general store, walks up to the owner and asks for a job:
The owner says. “you think you’d make a good salesman?”
The Kid says. “I don’t know. I think so.”
Owner says. “I’ll tell you what. Next customer comes in, you watch me. If you think you can do what I do, you have a job!”
A few minutes later a customer comes in. The owner of the store says. “Can I help you?”<span class=”text_exposed_show”>
The customer says. “Yes. I’d like to buy a bag of grass seed.”
“No problem.” Says the owner as he reaches for a bag of grass seed. “Do you think you might want a lawn mower with that?”
“Lawn mower?” Says the customer.
“Yeah.” Says the owner. “You plant that grass seed, you’re gonna have a lot of grass to cut. You might want to get a lawn mower too.”
The customer thinks it’s a great idea and agrees. The owner sells him the grass seed and the lawn mower and the customer leaves.
The owner turns to the kid and says. “See that? That’s selling! The guy wanted some grass seed and I sold him a lawn mower too! You think you can do that?”
The kid says. “Yeah i can do that.”
So the owner says. “Great. Next customer comes in is yours. I’ll just stand here quietly and watch. We’ll see how you do.”
A few minutes pass by and another customer comes in.
The kid says. “Can I help you?”
The customer says. “Yes. I’d like to buy a box of Tampax for my wife.”
“No problem.” Says the kid as he reaches for the box of Tampax. “Do you think you might want a lawn mower with that?”
“Lawn mower?” Says the customer.
“Yeah.” Says the kid. “You’re not going to be doing anything else for the next 7 days, you might as well cut the grass!” </span>I love my job as an anesthetist.Just as my patient is about to go under, I love to call them by the wrong name and tell them not to worry your vasectomy will be over shortly.When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex:
“Tarzan not know sex!” He replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said. “Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree!”
Horrified, she said. “Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly!”
She took off her clothes and lay down on the ground. “Here!” She said. “You must put it in here!”
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge erection, and then gave her an almighty kick right between her legs.
Jane rolled around in agony, but manages to gasp for air and screamed. “What did you do that for?”
“Tarzan check for bees!”
A woman is on one of those funeral cruises where the ashes of loved ones may be dumped into the sea. She had been married to a real cheapskate, who after 30 years of marriage finally died. The lady had her husband cremated, at his wishes, because he felt a plot would cost too much. After the memorial services, she went to the railing and poured his ashes out into her hands and started talking to him. “Henry,” she said, “you know that mink cape I wanted all my life? Well your <span class=”text_exposed_show”>company sold for so much that now I have bought myself a beautiful full length mink coat.” “And Henry,” she said, “you know that trip to the Caribbean I always wanted to take? Well, I took a world cruise for 90 days and it was wonderful!” “And Henry,” she continued, “you know that big blue Cadillac I had been hoping for the last 5 years? Well I bought a Rolls Royce instead and it drives like a dream.” “Oh, and Henry,” she said, “you know that blow job you always wanted?” as she blew the ashes out of her hands into the sea..</span>
Sean flew out of town for a few days to attend his buddies funeral. Upon return, he wasn’t quite ready to go home yet. Instead, he told his cab driver to take him someplace where he could get some action. The cab driver took him to his house!!
A rather large lady was sat down and noticed there were 3 old ladies standing she turned to a man sat near her and says “if you were a gentleman you would get up and let one of those ladies sit down” the man replies “if, you were a lady you’d get up and let all 3 of them sit down, you fat bitch!!”.
Father O’Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a
deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.
He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this: “Good morning. This is Sergeant Flaherty. How might I help you?”“And the best of the day to yerself. This is Father O’Malley at St.Brigid’s. There’s a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be
so kind as to send a couple o’ yer lads to take care of the matter?”Sergeant Flaherty, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, “Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!” There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.
Father O’Malley then replied: “Aye, that’s certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.”
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