This topic contains 1,005 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by 
Micks 2 years, 10 months ago.
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My grandfather always used to say “When I was a lad you could leave your doors open”. That’s probably the reason his submarine sank
I went to a catholic school in Ireland when I was young the brothers who ran the school didn’t like to teach sex education they had a more ‘hands on’ approach
A man and his girlfriend were out to dinner one night. The waiter tells them the night’s special is chicken almondine and fresh fish.
“The chicken sounds good; I’ll have that,” the woman says.
The waiter nods. “And the vegetable?” he asks.
“Oh, he’ll have the fish,” she replies.I was explaining to the wife when you die you could be reincarnated but must be a different creature. She said she’d like to come back as a cow. I replied, “You obviously haven’t been listening.”
I went to see my Therapist today,She said todays letter is N, tell me something beginning with N that you are no good at ? I said Spelling,,
Helping my neighbour move some stuff this morning and I accidentally dropped his glass chess set breaking most of the pieces… With that I offered to pay for it and he asked how I was going to pay… I said cheque mate…
Scientists are saying pubs may have to close if schools reopen. Is there really that much under age drinking?
A British Navy Destroyer stops four illegals in a row boat, rowing towards Brighton .”The captain gets on the loud hailer and shouts, “Ahoy, small craft, where are you heading?” One of the illegals stands up and shouts, “We are invading England !”
The crew of the Destroyer all start laughing and when the captain finally stops laughing, he gets back on the loud hailer and says, “Just the four of you?”
The illegal stands up again and shouts, “No, we’re the last four. The other 6 million are already there!”As I recovered from surgery, I asked the doctor how it went. “Well” said the doc, “you’ve got a punctuated large intestine.” “Don’t you mean punctured or perforated?” I Asked. “No” said the doc..”we removed half of it, you’ve now got a semi-colon.”
I took my new girlfriend to a fund raiser event,we entered the one legged race and came last.she broke up with me 2 hours later, I said why?,She said we got off on the wrong foot,
Went to the doctors and he told me i needed a pacemaker. So now I’ve got this annoying Kenyan 2 yards in front of me everywhere I fucing go!!
The Sky At Night is examining man’s fascination with the planet Mars. In 2010 we finally confirmed that there had been water on Mars but alcohol was not detected. So if mankind lives there, there will be no Mars bars….
I think my wife’s starting to get dementia. She just said she doesn’t remember what she ever saw in me.
A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as a pro Rugby player. They start to talk and eventually go back to his place.
They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.
“What’s that for?” the lady questions.
“Oh, I have this so that when I’m on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me.”
Then the man takes off his trousers, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE.<span class=”text_exposed_show”>
‘What’s that ?’ the lady questions again.
“Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV.”
Then the man drops his underwear and on his penis he has a tattoo that says AIDS.
The lady screams: “Don’t tell me you have AIDS!”
The man replies: “No, no…!!! Calm down…!!!
It will say ADIDAS in a minute.</span>A man standing at a bus stop was eating a hamburger. Next to him stood a lady with her little dog, which became very excited at the smell of the man’s supper and began whining and jumping up at him.
“Do you mind if I throw him a bit?” said the man to the lady.
“Not at all,” she replied, whereupon the man picked the dog up and threw it over a wall.Two Italian virgins marry and go on their honeymoon. Unfortunately, neither knows what to do when they get there. The newlyweds call the groom’s mother for advice. The mother says that they should sit on the bed together, snuggle, and things should happen from there. The newlyweds do this, but nothing happens. The groom calls his mother back. She says they should take their clothes off, get under the covers, and nature should take its course. The bride and groom take his mother’s advice, but still nothing comes to mind. He calls his mother a third time. Getting frustrated with the situation, she says, “Listen, just take the biggest thing you have and stick it in her hairiest spot!” The groom is quiet for a moment and then asks his mother, “I’ve got my nose in her armpit, now what?”…….
Manners and Etiquette
During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her students:“If you were courting a well-educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?” Mike replies “Wait a minute, I’m going for a p.”
The teacher says : “That would be very rude and improper on your part.”
Charlie replies: “I’m sorry I need to go to the toilet, I’ll be back in a minute.”
The teacher says : “That’s much better but to mention the word ”toilet” during a meal, is unpleasant.”
And Billy says: “My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope, to be able to introduce to you after dinner. ”
The teacher passed out….3 girls are on a plane that’s going to crash,An American,a French girl and an African girl.. the American puts on her makeup and says “Rescuers will save a beautiful girl first!.” The French girl opens her bra and says “Rescuers will save a girl with beautiful breasts first!” The African girl removes her knickers and says “f*ck off, they always look for the black box first!”
“Swearing at Work.”
Dear Employees:
It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.
Therefore, a list of 12 new and innovative, “TRY SAYING” phrases that have been provided, so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
1.
Try Saying:
I think you could do with more training
Instead Of:
You don’t have a fucing clue, do you?
2.
Try Saying:
She’s an aggressive go-getter.
Instead Of:
She’s a fucing power-crazy bitch
3.
Try Saying:
Perhaps I can work late
Instead Of:
And when the fuk do you expect me to do this?
4.
Try Saying:
I’m certain that isn’t feasible
Instead Of:
Fuk off arse-wipe
5.
Try Saying:
Really?
Instead Of:
Well fuk me backwards with a telegraph pole
6.
Try Saying:
Perhaps you should check with…
Instead Of:
Tell someone who gives a fuk.
7.
Try Saying:
I wasn’t involved in the project.
Instead Of:
Not my fucing problem, mate.
8.
Try Saying:
That’s interesting.
Instead Of:
What the fuk?
9.
Try Saying:
I’m not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale.
Instead Of:
No fucing chance mate.
10.
Try Saying:
It will be tight, but I’ll try to schedule it in
Instead Of:
Why the fuk didn’t you tell me that yesterday?
11.
Try Saying:
He’s not familiar with the issues
Instead Of:
He’s got his head up his fucing arse.
12.
Try Saying:
Excuse me?
Instead Of:
Oi, fucface.
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