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Micks 2 years, 10 months ago.
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Tell a woman she’s beautiful a hundred times and she won’t believe you.
Tell a woman she’s fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life, because elephants never forget.
“Your son just called me an old cow!” said my neighbour.
“That’s disgraceful,” I said. “I keep telling him not to judge people by their appearance.”When my wife wants sex, it’s because I’m the horniest bastard on Earth and she loves me. When I ask for sex, I’m apparently the most depraved twat from the depths of Hell and I should stop pestering her.
I was talking to another coworker by the water cooler one day.
I said, “A mate of mine tried to make a new kind of car.
He took the engine from a Ford, the transmission from a Renault, the tyres from a Mazda, and the exhaust system from a Toyota…”
The other coworker replied, “Really? What did he get..?”
“Ten years..!” I replied“What would you like?” says the barman. “What would I like?” says Bob. “A bigger house, more money and a more attractive wife.” “No,” says the barman, patiently. “I meant what do you want?” “To win the lottery, for my mother-in-law to die and for my child to be born healthy!” “What’s it to be?” says the barman, less patiently. “A boy or a girl, I don’t care”. “You misunderstand me” says the barman impatiently, “I only asked what you want to drink?” “Oh” says Bob, I see. “Why didn’t you say so? What have you got?” “Nothing at all” says the barman. “I’m perfectly healthy”.
An old minister had all of his remaining teeth pulled out. New dentures were being made.
The first Sunday, using his new dentures, he only preached 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. On the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.
When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way: “The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my new dentures were hurting me a lot. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife’s dentures and I couldn’t shut up.”
After an extremely tense argument with my girlfriend, the house was so quiet you could hear a pin drop.
Things got a lot worse when I saw the grenade fly towards me.
If planning on visiting North Queensland or any of Queensland, we’re doing OK here right now with COVID cases. We watch in horror as the rest of the country spikes and wonder how long before it makes its way here.
So if you plan on vacationing at our rivers, lakes or on our waterfalls this winter, I think you should know that red ants and bedbugs have infested hotels, motels and cabins across the area due to an unusual spring.Crocs have eaten all domesticated animals and som<span class=”text_exposed_show”>e smaller people.</span>
We have had rabid dingo sightings at every park and town. We have Bigfoots INVADING OUR PARKS.
Porcupines “stabbing” small children should they dare to enter the Bush!
Drop bears have made their way over and multiplied at unprecedented rates and wander the local campgrounds in packs.
Murder hornets!?! We’ve got SHITLOADS of murder hornets. Not to mention the nasty redbacksHead lice now fly… right beside the bats.
So stay where you are, in your own state or country where it’s safe!
Seriously, PLEASE DO NOT COME HERE…
and we also have NO TOILET PAPER!The ideal man comes home early, doesn’t come first, doesn’t complain doesn’t cheat, doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke, doesn’t gamble and doesn’t exist.
I got home at 3am, steaming drunk, and half a kebab down my shirt. My wife had a fit.I thought “I’ll sort her out in the morning. I’m not gonna let her epilepsy ruin my night”.
First world war, two trenches 200 metres apart, one occupied by Germans the other by an Irish regiment, theres a stalemate , nobody has shot anybody for a whole week, on both sides they are getting very bored.
Mick says to Paddy…I’ve an idea, what’s the most common name in Germany ?
Paddy says…Gunther, I’d say it’s Gunther.
Mick says…. Right, here’s what we’ll do, you get your rifle ready and I’ll shout across no mans land GUNTHER, ARE YE THERE ? and when one of them s<span class=”text_exposed_show”>ticks he’s head up you shoot him, right ?
Paddy says…Great idea let’s try it.
So Paddy gets ready and Mick shouts across to the German trenches HEY , GUNTHER ARE YOU THERE ?
Up pops a Germans head and BANG, Paddy shoots him.
The two of them can’t believe it worked, so Paddy says…. Try it again Mick.
Mick shouts out…GUNTHER, HEY, GUNTHER.
Again a German head pops up and again, BANG, Paddy shoots him.
They can’t believe their luck, and seven more times they do it and each time a head pops up and Paddy shoots him.
The Germans are getting a bit sick of this so Fritz says to he’s buddy Hermann….Vot is de most common name in Ireland ?
Hermann says…I believe it is Paddy, yes it is definately Paddy, of this I am sure.
Fritz says…We vill play them at their own game, you get ready to shoot and I vill call out ze name Paddy.
So Hermann gets ready and Fritz shouts across no mans land PADDY, I VANT A VORD VIT YOU PLEASE.
No answer comes back, no head pops up, so he tries again PADDY, CAN YOU HEAR ME, ARE YOU THERE ?
Still no answer, so he shouts across again PADDY ARE YOU THERE? PADDY PADDY
Voice answers back…IS THAT YOU GUNTHER ?</span>A new and easy test for COVID-19 doing the rounds.
Take a glass and pour your favourite spirit, then see if you can smell it.
If you can then you are halfway there. Then drink it and if you can taste it then it is reasonable to assume you are currently free of the virus.
I tested myself nine times last night and was virus free every time, thank goodness.
I will have to test myself again today, as I have a headache, which can also be one of the symptoms!!!
I was given the task of making sure no one touched a fence that had just been painted, and do you know what? It was like watching cricket.
In Britain, when you turn 100, you get a letter from the Queen.
And when you turn 16, you get a text from Prince Andrew.Couple in a restaurant sitting at a table for two, next table to them is a table for one, and there’s a fella sitting at it who happens to be suffering from Leprosy. When the couples starter arrives the guy looks across at the leper with a look of disgust on his face and pushes his uneaten starter away, the leper notices this and says…I apologise, I know how bad I look and I’m obviously turning you off your meal, I’ll just go and not be anymore trouble to you….
The guy an<span class=”text_exposed_show”>swers….Not at all, it’s no you I promise, not you at all, I’m sorry, please sit down and finish your meal.
Next the main course arrives, the guy takes up his knife and fork and takes a piece of the steak he ordered, he raises it to his mouth and at the same time glances at the leper, slams it back onto the plate and pushes it away and is has to struggle to not throw up for a minute or two.
The leper, embarrassed and self concious, stand up and says…..I’m really, really sorry and I don’t blame you at all, I should not have come here, I’m going to leave now I’ve obviously ruined your evening and your meal too.
The guy says….No honestly , it’s not you at all, please sit down and finish your meal, it’s not you at all I swear to you.
So the leper sits down again, and the couples dessert arrives, he takes his spoon and scoops up a mouth watering strawberry covered in ice cream from the bowl, raises it to his lips, glances at the leper and again puts it back into the bowl with a look of disgust on his face, and again pushes the bowl away.
The leper has had enough, he stands up and says…..Look, I can’t help the way I am, but everytime you look at me the look of disgust on your face is obvious to me, I’ve ruined your meal, and I am sorry, I’m going to leave now and I will pay for your meal by way of an apology.
The guy says……No, no really, please it’s not you, please sit down, I swear it’s not you at all.
The leper says…..You keep saying that, of course it’s me what else could it be ?
Guy says…..It’s not you, it’s that fella behind you at the next table, he keeps dipping he’s bread in the back of your neck.</span>Mr Khan my local shopkeeper must have known about Covid a long time ago. He’s been making his wife wear a face covering for years.
A salesman was traveling through the countryside, selling insect repellent:
He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. “Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again, I guarantee it.”
The farmer was dubious. “Young man, I’ll make you a proposition. I’ll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I’ll buy a whole case from you.”
The salesman was delighted.
They went to the field and he stripped.
The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake. And back to the house went the farmer.The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the cornfield. Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him. Yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard and drawn, but not one bite on him.
The farmer was perplexed. “Son.” He said, “Now, you don’t have a bite on you, but you look like hell! What the devil happened?”
The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked. “For crying out loud, Mister, doesn’t that calf have a Mother?
On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:
2 Italian men and I Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman<span class=”text_exposed_show”>
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman
2 New Zealand men and 1 New Zealand woman
2 Irish men and I Irish woman
One month later, the following things have occurred:
*One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
*The two French men and the French woman are living happily together having loads of sex.
*The two German men have a strict weekly schedule as to when they alternate with the German woman.
*The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
*The two Englishmen are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
*The Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Polish woman and they started swimming.
*The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfilment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer, and how her relationship with her mother is improving.
*The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for
instructions.
*The two Australian men beat each other senseless for the Australian woman, who is checking out all the other men, after calling them both “bloody wankers”.
*Both New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep.
*The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and set up a distillery. After the first few litres of coconut whisky they do not remember if sex is in the picture, but they are satisfied that at least the English are not getting any</span>My new vegetarian girlfriend cooked me one of her favourite dishes last night.
“What are these little round things?” I asked.
“Have you never seen a chick-pea before?” she said.
“Of course I have. My last girlfriend was up for anything, but that doesn’t answer my question.”
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