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Micks 2 years, 11 months ago.
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A woman took her car to her mechanic.
She told him, “Every time I take my friends out in my car, there is this terrible smell. It never happens when I’m alone.”
The mechanic was puzzled, so he said, “OK, let’s go for a spin and see what the problem is.”
Off they went. She drove down a one-way street in the wrong direction at 60 MPH, swerved, hit the curb on both sides of the street, narrowly missed three pedestrians, ran several red lights, and just missed a policeman. They returned to the shop and she said, “There it is now—there’s that terrible smell. Can you smell it?”
The mechanic replied “Smell it? Lady, I’m sitting in it..”
The teacher said..
Let’s begin by reviewing some history. Who said: ‘Give me Liberty, or give me Death!’?She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up:
“Patrick Henry, 1775,” he said.“Very good! “Who said: ‘Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth!’?”
Again, no response except from Little Akio:
“Abraham Lincoln, 1863.”“Excellent!” said the teacher continuing. “Let’s try one a bit more difficult.
“Who said, ‘Ask not what your Country can do for you, but what you can do for your Country’?”
Once again, Akio’s was the only hand in the air and he said:
“John F. Kennedy, 1961.”The teacher snapped at her class, “Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves. “Little Akio isn’t from this Country and he knows more about our history than you do.”
She heard a loud whisper: “F–k the Japs.”
“Who said that? I want to know right now,” she angrily demanded.
Little Akio put his hand up,
“General MacArthur, 1945.”At that point, a student in the back said, “I’m gonna puke.”
The teacher glares around and asks, “All right! Now who said that?”
Again, Little Akio says,
“George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.”Now furious, another student yells, “Oh yeah? Suck this!”
Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher.. “Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!”
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, “You little shit! If you say anything else, I’ll kill you!”
Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice, “Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004.”
The teacher fainted.
As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said,
*”Oh shit, we are screwed.”*Little Akio said quietly,
*”The whole population of earth, 2020, “when the governments quarantined the healthy and shut down the world over a measily virus.”
This is why Men shouldn’t answer questions.
WIFE : “What would U do if I died? Would U get married again?”
HUSBAND : “Definitely not!”
WIFE : “Why not? Don’t U like being married?”
HUSB : “Of course I do.”<span class=”text_exposed_show”>
WIFE : “Then why wouldn’t U remarry?”
HUSB : “Okay, okay, I’d get married again.”
WIFE : “U would?” (with a hurt look)
HUSB:(makes audible groan)
WIFE : “Would U live in our house?”
HUSB : “Sure, it’s a great house”
WIFE : “Would you sleep with her in our bed?”
HUSB : “Where else would we sleep?”
WIFE : “Would U let her drive my car?”
HUSB :”Probably, it is almost new.”
WIFE : “Would U replace my pictures with hers?”
HUSB : “That would seem like the proper thing to do.”
WIFE : “Would U give her my jewellery?”
HUSB : “No, I’m sure she’d want her own.”
WIFE : “Would she wear my shoes?”
HUSB : “No, she’s size 5.”
WIFE : — silence —
HUSB : “Shit”… </span>
My daughter just walked into the living room and said, “Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop. Please take all of my jewellery to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don’t forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother.
Well, she didn’t put it quite like that. She actually said…
“Dad this is my new boyfriend, Mohamed.”
Well to be perfectly honest, in my humble opinion, of course without offending anyone who thinks differently from my point of view, but also by looking into this matter in a different perspective and without being condemning of one’s view’s and by trying to make it objective, and by considering each and every one’s valid opinion, I honestly believe that I completely forgot what I was going to fucing say!!
I think, I’m going to lose my drivers license…
just because of a stupid police officer…
The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:Officer: “License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!”
Me: “I assure you, I did not drink anything.”
Officer: “Ok, let’s do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?”
Me: “A car.”
Officer:”Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?”
Me:”I have no idea!”
Officer:”So, you’re drunk.”
Me:”But I didn’t drink anything.”
Officer:”Okay, one more test — Imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you.What is it?
Me:”A motorcycle.”
Officer:”Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?”
Me:”I have no idea!”
Officer:”As I suspected, you’re drunk!”
Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter question.
Me:”So…, counter question — You’re driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?”
Officer:”A prostitute of course.”
Me:”Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?”
Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend…
<span class=”_4yxo”>Trump’s Parade</span><span class=”_4yxo”>An assistant to Donald Trump told him she had a fantastic dream last night. There was a huge parade down Pennsylvania Avenue celebrating Trump.Millions lined the parade route, cheering when the President went past. Bands were playing; children were throwing confetti into the air; there were balloons everywhere.It was absolutely the BIGGEST CELEBRATION WASHINGTON HAD EVER SEEN!!! Trump was very impressed and said,”That’s really great! By the way, how did I look in your dream? Was my hair okay?”His assistant said,… “I couldn’t tell, the casket was closed.”</span>
My friends think I’m an oddball. Well that’s what I heard them say over my headphones, as I sat in an unmarked van outside the pub!!
I hate when people see me at the supermarket & are like ”Hey what you doing here.” I’m like ”Oh you know, hunting wild fucing Elephants!!
Little Johnny asks his father for a £200 bicycle for his birthday.
Johnny’s father says,
“We have an £80,000 mortgage on the house, and I just got laid off! There won’t be a £200 bike this year.”
Two days later, Little Johnny walks out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase.
His father asks him why he’s leaving.
Johnny says,
“Early this morning, I was walking past your room, and I heard you tell Mommy that you were pulling out, and Mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and I’ll be damned if I’m getting stuck with an £80,000 mortgage!”
A Muslim dies and finds himself before the pearly Gates. He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed.
Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.
‘Are you Mohammed?’ he asks, ‘No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up.’ And he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.
Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room where he meets another bearded man.
He asks again, ‘Are you Mohammed? ‘No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still.
Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy, he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard.
Full of hope, he asks again, ‘Are you Mohammed?’ ‘No, I am Jesus…You will find Mohammed higher up.’
Mohammed higher than Jesus! The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher Once again, he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats hisquestion:
‘Are you Mohammed?’ he gasps, as he is by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing. ‘No, my son. I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?’
‘Yes, please, my Lord’
God looks behind him, claps his hands and Calls out: ‘ Hey, Mohammed, two coffees!’
I’ve learnt 2 things tonight, I’m not very good on the drums,
And my neighbour’s got tourettes!COLIN THE ABORIGINE
A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours.
He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters, from the BBQ and flirting.
At the height of the party, the host said, ‘I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I’ll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.’
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs,
throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell. Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.
Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool.
Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
The host says, ‘Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.’
‘Nah, you all right boss, I don’t want it,’ said Colin.
The rich man said, ‘Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?’
‘No thanks… I don’t want it,’ answered Colin.
The host said, ‘Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?’
Again, Colin said “No.”
Confused, the rich man asked, ‘Well Colin, then what do you want?
Colin said,
‘I want the bastard who pushed me in!!..
A man visiting Scotland enters a very old pub, though the pub is full of people no one appeared to be drinking. Undeterred the man asks for a pint of beer. The barman pulls the pint and charges 1p. “1p for a pint of beer?’ ask the man. “Arh well” explains the barman “Today the pub is 100 years old, so to celebrate we are today charging the prices of a 100 years ago”
“That’s fantastic ” says the man “But why is nobody else in the pub drinking?”
The barman replies “They’re waiting for Happy Hour to start!!.My mates called me a tight arse, so I decided to buy them a beer to prove I’m not…
Turns out they wanted one fucing each!
An accordionist was driving home after a gig and decided to stop for coffee at a motorway services. Whilst he was drinking his coffee he realised he had left his accordion on full display on the back seat of his car. He rushed out to cover it up but when he got to his car he realised he was too late. His back window was smashed in and 3 more accordions had been chucked in!!
A priest is walking through town at his new parish when a hooker approaches him.
“Blowjobs for £20 if you’re interested”.
Confused by this he smiles, blesses her and goes back to the church.
He sees one of the nuns and asks her, “Sister, what’s a blowjob?”
She replies, “£20. Same as in town”
One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home. On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass, Tootsie, Joni, Jan, Bonnie, Judy and Muffy.
I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store. On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn.
This time my curiosity got the best of me, and I went inside to talk to the Nursing Home Administrator.
‘Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?’
‘Yes,’ she said. ‘They’re retired prostitutes, and they’re having a yard sale.’
With due consideration, in Snooker the white ball has been withdrawn due to it being seen as Supreme-ist. The Yellow and Brown are being reviewed. Reluctantly the Black ball is being withdrawn in fear of backlash. Only Red, Green, Blue and Pink are to be used!!
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