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Micks 2 years, 10 months ago.
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A train hits a bus filled with Roman Catholic schoolgirls and they all perish.
They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl ‘Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?’ She giggles and shyly replies, ‘Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.’ St. Peter says, ‘Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.’
St. Peter asks the next girl the same<span class=”text_exposed_show”> question, ‘Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?’ The girl is a little reluctant but replies, ‘Well, once I fondled and stroked one.’ St. Peter says, ‘Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.'</span>
All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, ‘Louise, what seems to be the rush?’
The girl replies, ‘If I’m going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Sharon sticks her arse in it.”
A hungry traveler stopped at a monastery and was taken to the kitchen where a brother was frying chips…
“Are you the friar?” he asked.
The brother replied “No. I’m the chip monk.”
I asked my girlfriends father if I could marry his daughter
I’ve never been so happy in my life.
He told me to fuk off.
I’ve always suffered with a bad back. Years and years . I went to the docs , please do something .He referred me to specialist . When I saw him , he said there’s a cure in America,but it’s sixty thousand dollars . I said I don’t care anything . What’s the cure , he said well they inject mercury into the spine . Wow isn’t that dangerous . No he said , it’s safe . But there’s one drawback . What’s that I asked . He said , well In summer you’re nine foot three and in winter you’re two foot six
A fire started on some grasslands near a farm. The county fire department was called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the county fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made.
The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped! The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily-controlled parts.
Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department’s work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.
“That ought to be obvious,” he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. “The first thing we’re gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our fire truck!”
A bloke goes into a fish and chip shop with a salmon under his arm and says, “Do you do fishcakes?”
“Yeah.” Replied the chippy owner.
“Good,” says the bloke pointing at the salmon, “it’s his birthday.”
A new virus which is spreading a hundred times quicker then Coronavirus has been discovered, the imasthickasshit virus affects people’s ability to social distance properly, people with the imasthickasshit virus will go out to parks and beauty spots in their droves with no worries about spreading the Coronavirus. Doctors think that Coronavirus and imasthickasshit virus could be connected, but are worried by the speed imasthickasshit virus is spreading, if you see a group of people drinking tinnies in a public area please keep well clear of them!
On a bright sunny day I think, ‘beer garden.’
And when it’s grey and raining, I love the warmth and cosiness of the pub.
If it’ snowing nothing beats sitting at home watching a good film with a few bottles of red wine.
I’m beginning to think I have a problem with the weather!!
A new sign in the Bank reads:
‘Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through cash machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.’
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. LOWER your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Raise window.
7. Drive off.
*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Put hand brake on, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN .
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check make-up in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of it.
18. Re-check make-up.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on mobile phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Hand Brake!!.
Awe look at that, 60 years they’ve been together and she’s just give him a big sloppy teenager kiss, so much in love. ” said my missus spying on our neighbors.
“Are you kidding, they hate each others guts and she’s just found out she’s Covid-19 positive. ” I replied.
I went for a job interview yesterday.
The interviewer said, “According to your CV, you like Philosophy, Astronomy and Mathematics.”
“Well that’s correct,” I replied.
“Can we have a discussion on that?” He asked again.
“Yes of course.” I answered.
“Well then,” he paused, “Do you think that we are alone in this Universe?”
“No,” I replied. “There are people outside this room waiting for the interview you stupid bastard”.
Didn’t get the fucing job!!
Received a call from a recruitment agency. She said to me: “Sir I have two openings for you…!”
I replied : Yes. I know.
There was a long silence and then she said…..
Asshole!
Then I said, I prefer the other one.
I’ve sure gotten old!
I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I’m half blind,
Can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver’s licence!!..
There was a child on a farm named Timmy. Now Timmy loved growing up on the farm with his family. He enjoyed helping out in the fields, he loved feeding the sheep and cows, and he was always happy to help out in the barn. The one thing Timmy did not like, was having to clean out the outhouse. He absolutely hated that.
Now one day there was a massive storm. Rain was coming down in sheets and it lasted so long that the small river than ran next to the outhouse swelled up so high<span class=”text_exposed_show”> that the outhouse was only about a foot away from it. Little Timmy saw this and realized this could be his chance to get rid of the outhouse. </span>
He ran and got one of his dads shovels and some planks and quickly ran over to the side of the outhouse to dig away the dirt and lever it up with the planks. Finally, he gave it one last hard shove and the entire outhouse toppled into the river and drifted downstream.
Little Timmy was pretty happy with himself until later that night, while he was in the kitchen helping his mother make supper, his dad walked into the house. Now little Timmy saw his dads face, as his dad began to take off his belt, and knew the game was up, so he thought fast and decided his best chance was to immediately come clean.
“Pa.”
“Yes son”
” I pushed the outhouse into the river”
“I know that son. Now bend over”
At this Little Timmy was taken aback, “but pa, George Washington told how he cut down the cherry tree and he didn’t get in trouble for it”.
His dad pauses for a moment, before replying “son. George Washington’s dad wasn’t IN the cherry tree”
F.F.S. people take offence at any thing today.
Met a bloke with no legs at the bus stop.
And I only asked how he was gettin on!!!.Dear Woolworths,
Last week I purchased some of your “smart price” toilet tissue and I have some thoughts to share with you.
For my first use I folded it twice like I normally would, but it was so weak it broke, at which point I realised I had fingered myself. That’s right. No romance, no weekend in Venice, just one swift digit up the wrong ‘un in a cold bathroom.
So what exactly is “smart” about “smart price”? My eyes certainly smarted a bit as I jabbed at my rectum. I spent the next few minutes in the saddest bathroom scene since Oscar Pistorius, debating whether to sacrifice a bath towel, a sock or the fleece of the first staff member I find at my local store.
A few more minutes passed, the anger subsided and I made a second attempt. You see this stuff might be half the price of branded stuff, but I found I needed to bandage it tightly 7-8 times around my hand to prevent me from molesting myself a second time, leaving me looking like an Egyptian mummy that’s just performed a prostate exam.
The feeling of shame was soon replaced with regret, as I realised I had better things within arms reach to do the job. Even the pumice stone on the edge of my bath looked like it could do a better job than the stuff you supply.
I noticed in the news today your sales have dropped 7.5% in 3 months. Looks like it’s not just the competition you can’t wipe out!
Yours truly,
A very unhappy customer
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