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Micks 2 years, 11 months ago.
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Yesterday, the French authorities deployed the military to supermarkets, in order to keep them secure and ensure social distancing is being respected. However, after one old lady coughed, the armed forces have capitulated and are now negotiating terms of surrender with the shoppers.
A man was sitting on the edge of his bed watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she’d like as a gift. “I’d like to be eight again,” she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her birthday, he rose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day!<span class=”text_exposed_show”>
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.</span>Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.Then it was off to a movie, with popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed, exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, “Well dear, what was it like being eight again?”
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
“I meant my dress size, you idiot!!!!”
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
I can’t believe I’m in isolation with this coronavirus, and to make matters worse, my wife has just told me she’s pregnant. So be careful fella’s, this virus obviously reverses the effect of a vasectomy.
Never did I think that my hands would consume more alcohol than my mouth….
A young sailor on a year long deployment received a “Dear John” letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:
‘Dear Jack,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you’ve been gone, and it’s not fair to either of us. I’m sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you
Love, Jenny’
Jack, with hurt feelings, asked his shipmates for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-lashes, aunties cousins, etc. In addition to the picture of Jenny, he included all the other pictures of the pretty ladies he had collected from his buddies.
There were 57 photos in that envelope, along with this note:
“Dear Jenny,
I’m so sorry, but I can’t remember who the hell you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take care, Jack”
The new Hooker just finished her first Trick.
When she came back down to the street, all the seasoned Street Veterans all gathered around to hear the Details.
She said. “Well , he was a big Muscular and Handsome Sailor”.
“Well , what did he want to do”..??? They all asked.
She said, ”I told him that a Straight Lay was £100, but he said he didn’t have that much”.
So I told him that Oral Sex would be £75, but he didn’t have that much either”.
…
“Finally I said, well how much do you have”..???
The Sailor said that he only had £25.
The new Hooker said. “Well, for £25 all I can do is Service You by Hand”.
He agreed and after getting the Finance straight, she said.
“He pulled it out and I put One Hand on it, and then a Second Hand above the First and then the First Hand above the Second Hand”.
“Oh my good God” they all exclaimed, it must have been Huge, then what did you do”..???
*
I had to Lend him £75”. she said!!.
Local church put out a call for a new bell ringer and a man with no arms answered.
“How will you ring the bell my son? You have no arms.” the pastor asked.
“Take me to the bell Padre and I’ll show you.” the man replied.
So they go up the bell tower and the man proceeded to ring the bell using his head.
“Wonderful my son. You start this Sunday.”
So Sunday rolls around and once again, the bell was heard throughout the town. As the people congregated to the front of the church, they stopped and saw the armless man, lying dead, in the middle of the courtyard.
The town sheriff walks up, looks at the corpse, and asks the crowd, “Does anyone here know this man?”
The pastor looks up and says, “No, but his face sure rings a bell!”
A woman went into the butcher shop to buy a chicken for dinner. The butcher had just one chicken left in the ice barrel. He reached in and pulled out a fine looking fowl and placed in carefully on the scales and announced that it weighed 4 pounds.
The woman asked if he had one a little larger. The fast thinking butcher put the chicken back into the barrel and in a few seconds pulled it out again (pretending he had a larger chicken) and placed it on the scales a second time and told her that this one weighed 4 3/4 pounds.
The woman paused… Then announced, ‘I’ll take both of them!’
An Englishman, a Scotsman & an Irishman attend an interview to join the police force. The Englishman is called in 1st. the interviewing officer levels with him “we badly need officers so this is going to be a little unorthodox, answer 1 simple question & you’re on the force”
“Ok I can probably manage that”
“Who killed Jesus Christ?”
The Englishman answers “The Romans”
Officer: “well done, go to the desk sergeant, get your uniform & come back & see me for your 1st assignment” Scotsman’s up next. The officer explains the situation & proceeds
Officer: “1 simple question & you’re on the force, who killed Jesus Christ?”
Scotsman “well I’m sure that was the Romans?”
Officer: “Very good, welcome to the force, go to the desk sergeant get a uniform & come back & see me for your 1st assignment”
Finally it’s the Irishman’s turn, the officer explains the situation & that the interview may seem a little unorthodox. “Ok son, if you can tell me who killed Jesus Christ you’re on the police force” the Irishman is stunned & practically speechless “Erm….well… mmm…” the
officer reassures him it’s not a trick but the Irishman still can’t answer the question. “Listen” The officer continues “Go get a cuppa, have a think, take your time & I’m sure it will come to you” The Irishman leaves the office & bumps into the Englishman & the Scotsman, both in full police uniform “isn’t this great ?” Says the Englishman & Scotsman “1 simple question & you’re on the police force?” The Irishman replies “you lucky bastards got a simple question?….He wants me to solve a fucin murder”Paddy and Mick were enjoying a few pints down at the local pub, when Paddy said to Mick:
“If I ask you a question, will you promise to answer me honestly?”
“Yeah, sure thing,” replied Mick, “fire away.”
“Well,” said Paddy, “why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?”
“It’s probably because of her speech impediment,” replied Mick.
“What do you mean her speech impediment?” said Paddy. “What speech impediment?”
“Well,” replied Mick, “she can’t say no.”
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning
she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sic<span class=”text_exposed_show”>k. He told her he couldn’t stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn’t listen to you.” “What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in……..</span>A guy from Texas is invited to a Halloween costume party while in Chicago on business so he visits a costume shop.
He says, “I’m going to a costume party, and I want to go as Adam.”
The girl looks him over, and then brings out a fig leaf.
He says, “Not big enough.”
She brings out a bigger one.
He says, “Still not big enough.”
She brings out a huge fig leaf.
He says, “Honey That’s still a liitle on the small side…..”
Not impressed she says, “Listen, Tex, why don’t you just throw it over your shoulder and go as a petrol pump?”
REGRET’s — from the Hospital & Medical Staff.
We are pleased to inform you that the biopsy of the redness on your penis was NOT cancer, it was lipstick.
We deeply regret the amputation.
BBQ RULES:
We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill – beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.
Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat
Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes
And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ‘ her night off ‘, and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women!!..
I had a really bad day playing golf today, l only hit two good balls and that was when l stepped on a rake in a bunker!
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense…?
A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner.
The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asks her mother, “Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?”
The mother replies, “Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come by and pick them up on the<span class=”text_exposed_show”> way home from work.” </span>
The cabby, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, “Ah, C’mon lady! Tell your daughter the truth! For crying out loud…They’re hookers!”
A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, “Mommy, do the hooker ladies have any children?”
The mother replies, “Of course, Dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?”
My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys
in the ignition.
My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.
His theory is that the car will be stolen.
As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion.<span class=”text_exposed_show”>
His theory was right. The parking lot was empty.
I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been Stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all, “Honey,” I stammered; I always call him “honey” in times like these.
“I left my keys in the car and it has been stolen.”
There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice.
“Are you kiddin’ me?” he barked, “I dropped you off!
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said,
“Well, come and get me.”
He retorted, “I will, as soon as I convince this policeman
I have not stolen your f*cking car!!</span>
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