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Micks 2 years, 10 months ago.
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Paddy goes to the toilet at work but doesn’t return for about 20 minutes. “Where have you been all this time?” asked the boss. “Washing my hands, I forgot the words to Happy Birthday so sang Bohmemian Rhapsody twice” he replied
Paddy and Mick are at a job interview for a labourer by a builder,
Paddy goes first and is asked, “If you lost an eye, what would you be?”
He answers, “Half blind.”
Then he was asked, “What would you be if you lost both eyes?”
He answers, “Blind.”<span class=”text_exposed_show”>
Builder says, “Great, you got the job – send Mick in.”
Mick over heard the interview and thinks, “Great, I’ll just give the same answers.”
The builder asks, “If you lost an ear, what would you be?”
Mick says, “Half blind.”
Then was asked, “What about if you lost both ears?”
Mick says, “Blind.”
The builder, a bit puzzled, asked, “How would that be?”
Mick says, “My hat would fall down!”</span>It is with great sadness that I have to mention the loss of a few further local businesses around the town. The bra manufacturer has gone bust, the specialist in submersibles has gone under, the manufacturer of food blenders has gone into liquidation, a dog kennel has had to call in the retrievers, the suppliers of paper for origami enthusiasts has folded, the Heinz factory has been canned as they couldn’t ketchup with orders, the tarmac laying company has reached the end of the road, the bread company has run out of dough, the clock manufacturer has had to wind down, the Chinese has been taken away, the shoe shop has had to put his foot down and given his staff the boot and finally the launderette has been taken to the cleaners!
“What’s the difference between the North American porcupine and the African porcupine,” the society matron asked the zookeeper.
“The principal difference is the North American species has a longer prick.”
This, as you might assume, distressed the matron who stormed immediately to the zoo manager’s office.
The zoo manager said, “Ma’am, I apologize for my staff’s unfortunate choice of terms. What the keeper should have said is that the North American species has a longer QUILL. Their pricks are the same size.”
A furious pounding in a hotel room in the middle of the night awakened a number of guests.
The hotel manager went to the room, and when his knocks went unanswered, he let himself in. He found an elderly man cursing and banging on the wall with both fists.
“Stop that immediately, sir!” the manager ordered. “You’re disturbing everyone in the hotel.”
“Damn the hotel and everyone in it!” the elderly man hollered. “I just got an erection!”
“Okay,” said the hotel manager, “but why must you bang your fists against the wall?”
“Because it’s the first erection I’ve had in years and both of my hands are asleep!”
A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow:
It was addressed, ‘Dad’. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.
I’ve been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing’s, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it’s not only the passion, Dad. She’s pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone. We’ll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!
Don’t worry Dad, I’m 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I’m sure we’ll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Joshua.
A small boy named Arthur lived in the local village . None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him “You are driving me crazy Arthur!!!!!”
One day Arthur’s mother came into school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mother honestly, that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and even she had never seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career!!!!
The mother was shocked at the<span class=”text_exposed_show”> feedback and withdrew her son from the school & even moved to another town!!!!!
25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardio disease! All the doctors strongly advised her to have an open heart operation, which only one surgeon could perform…… Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful……
When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her! She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but eventually died!
The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong, when he turned around he saw Arthur, working as a cleaner in the clinic, who had unplugged the oxygen equipment to connect his floor scrubber !!!!!
Don’t tell me you thought that Arthur became a feckin’ doctor!</span>My girlfriend rang me and said, “Are we going to get married?”
I said, “Of course we are, babe”
She said, “Then why the fuk aren’t you here at the church?”
A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband’s two.
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
Once she’s done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
He says:
“Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?”
Absolutely devastated. A very sad day today. After 7 years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion and why during this terrible time? He slept with one of his patients (they were good friends) and can now no longer work in the profession he loves. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.
Young lad driving to work in these troubled times, is stopped at a checkpoint.
“Where are you going ” Says the guard
” I’m going to work, we’re an essential service”
“Oh yeah” Says the guard ” And pray tell, what do you do that’s so essential”
“We build arseholes” Says the young lad
“Sorry, explain that to me” Says the guard
Young lad says, ” We put piles of shite in a bucket, and eventually it grows into a six foot arsehole ”
” And what do you do with a six foot arsehole” Says the guard
Young lad replies ” We put them on a checkpoint to ask people where they are going”
<h2 class=”_2cuy _509y _2vxa”>Just got pulled over by the police the officer said to me “sir I can smell alcohol”</h2>
<h2 class=”_2cuy _509y _2vxa”>I said “yes that’s because you are not respecting social distancing”</h2>
Four guys are at a high school reunion and one of them goes to the restroom.
The other three guys start talking about how successful their sons are.
Guy 1: My son is so successful he owns a car dealership and just gave his best friend a Ferrari.
Guy 2: That’s nothing, my son owns an airliner and just gave his best friend a private jet
Guy 3: Well my son is more success than that, he owns an architecture firm and just gave his best friend a castle<span class=”text_exposed_show”>
Guy 4 walks out of the bathroom and walks over to the other 3 guys
Guy 4: Hey guys what are we talking about
Guy 1: Oh, we are talking about how successful our sons are
Guy 4:Well, my son is a Gay stripper
Guy 2: You must be so disappointed with what he’s done with his life
Guy 4: Actually, he is doing very well for himself. He just got a Ferrari, a jet, and a castle from his three boyfriends.</span>A 75 year old lady says to her husband, “You know what, I think I’ll go to the doctor and get a checkup.”
Her husband says, “Sure, thats a good idea dear.”
So she makes an appointment to see Dr. Levine, a gynecologist, and explains that she has not had a checkup in 25 years.
Dr Levine tells her to get undressed and put on a gown so he can check everything out.
The Doctor puts his hand under her gown, lifts her right breast and tells her to say, “99”. <span class=”text_exposed_show”>
She says “99”.
“I see nothing wrong there,” says the Doctor. He then puts his hand under her gown, lifts her left breast and repeats, “Say 99”.
She says “99”.
Dr. Levine says everything seems ok with this one also.
“We might as well check your other vitals, lay down on the table and put your feet in the stirrups.”
He puts on the rubber glove and some KY on the glove and is checking her private parts for any signs of lumps, etc. Once more he tells her, “Say 99”
She says, “one, two, three, four, five, six………</span>On his honeymoon, a very thick redneck farmer, Billy, insisted on having a room at the luxury hotel with a balcony overlooking the sea. On retiring for the night after the wedding, his new bride emerged from the bathroom dressed in some very hot Nightgown.
“Hey Billy Joe, come in off the balcony and see what I have waiting for you to savor for the first time,” she said coyly.
“No thanks, I want to sit out here,”he said.
So Daisy sat down brushing her golden hair for 10 minutes after which she invited Billy once more to come in off the balcony to take pleasure of her virginal body. Once more he refused. Eventually Daisy grew tired of waiting and she retired to the wedding bed and fell asleep. In the morning, she awoke to find him still sitting on the balcony.
“Why did you spend the whole night out there when you could have been making love all night?”she asked.
“Well my pa said the first night of my marriage would be the most beautiful night of my whole life – and I didn’t want to miss a moment of it.”
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