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Micks 2 years, 11 months ago.
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Jake’s wife is suffering from depression. She phoned him the other day and said “I feel like jumping in front of a bus and you’re not doing anything to help”…….So he sent her a timetable
<article>I got stopped by a copper with a radar gun the other day. “Bit of a speed merchant are we, sir?” he asked. “A bit, now and then,” I replied, “but I only sell to friends.” So as well as three points I’m looking at three months.
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I once bought a wooden car.
Wooden engine, wooden doors, wooden wheels, wooden seats, put the wooden key in the wooden ignition.
Wooden start.
Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, “It could have been worse.”
To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.
On the golf course one day, one of them said, “Frank, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!”
“That’s awful,” said Frank, “But it could have been worse.”
“How in the hell,” asked his bewildered friend, “Could it have been worse?”
“Well,” replied Frank, “If it happened the night before, I’d be dead now!”
The poor little rich girl awoke after a long night out on the town with her friends. She found herself totally naked and with a monster of a hangover, so she rang for her butler and ordered a strong cup of black coffee.
When he delivered it, she said, “Jeeves, I can’t remember a thing about last night. How did I get to bed?”
“I carried you upstairs, Ma’am, and put you to bed.”
“But my dress?”
“It seemed a pity to crumple it, so I removed it and hung it in your closet.”
“But what about my underwear?”
“I feared the elastic might limit your circulation, so I took the liberty of removing them.”
“What a night!” she sighed. “I must have been tight!”
“Only the first time, Ma’am!” “
OK…So all football suspended.so for a change i started talking to my wife and found out she got made redundant from WOOLWORTHS.
I was telling the wife “My mum loved me so much when I was a child that she would say a prayer for me every night..!”
The wife asked “What did she say in her prayer…?”
I said “Thank Christ the little fuker’s in bed…!”
<span class=”_4yxo”>This Virus must have hit India hard. I’ve not had a single phone call in a week about a car accident I havent been in!</span>
An old man goes to the wizard to ask if he can remove a curse, he’s been living with for the last 40 years.
The wizard says, “Maybe, but you’ll have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.”
The old man says without hesitation:
“I now pronounce you man and wife.”
Just saw on the news 97% of makeup is made in China and all supplies are shut down..
Fellas, you are about to get a rude awakening!!..
There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.
His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You’re beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, “You’re cute!”
Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of “beautiful” it was “cute.”
She said, “What happened to ‘beautiful’?”
His reply was: “The drugs are wearing off!”Paddy’s in jail. The Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
“What the hell you doing?” he asks.
“Hanging myself”, Paddy replies.
“It should be around your neck”, says the Guard.
“I know”, says Paddy, “but I couldn’t breathe.”
<article>Food shortages in the supermarkets….hot tip…..Whiskas Beef cat food makes an excellent chilli con carne, not only does it taste great but with balanced mineral levels it supports a healthy urinary tract, the zinc content ensures a healthy skin and there are no added artificial flavours, colours or preservatives.
The only down side is sometimes you start licking your own arse!!.
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If someone coughs near you ask them to far cough
VRSenator065
- Adelaide SA
- VR Senator LSx454 1960 Kombi (project) 1921 Nash Hot Rod (future project)
View build HERE
Posts: 5 777
If someone coughs near you ask them to far cough
lol
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