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Micks 2 years, 11 months ago.
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Had your Christmas Party yet, just remember these Time-Honored Truths
Don’t sweat the petty things, and don’t pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
One nice thing about egotists: They don’t talk about other people.
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
The older you get, the better you realize you were.
I doubt, therefore I might be.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Women like silent men, they think they’re listening.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
An Irishman wants a job, but the foreman won’t hire him until he passes a little math test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said.
“Without using numbers, represent the number 9”. “Without numbers?” The Irishman says? “Dat is easy”. And proceeds to draw three trees.
“What’s this?” the boss asks.
“Have you got no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9” says the Irishman. “Fair enough” says the boss.
“Here’s your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99”.
The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a little smudge on each tree… “Ere you go”.
The boss scratches his head and says “How on earth do you get that to represent 99?” “Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it’s dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99”.
The boss is getting worried that he’s going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he says “All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100”.
The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says “Ere you go. One hundred”.
The boss looks at the attempt. “You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!”
The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers “A little dog come along and poops by each tree.
So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!”
When four of Santa’s elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mum was coming to visit.
This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door.
He opened the Door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?”
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Forward Planning
My buddy Tom was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. He knew that he would inherit a huge fortune once his sickly father died.
Tom wanted two things:<span class=”text_exposed_show”>
– To learn how to invest his massive inheritance.
– To find a wife to share his fortune.</span>One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. “I may look like just an ordinary guy,” he said to her, “but in just a few years, my father will die, and I’ll inherit 200 million.”
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card. Two weeks later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at forward planning than men.
Eager to impress my new vegan girlfriend I cooked her a “Mixed Grill” of aubergine, carrot, courgette, red onion and sweet potato. “That was delicious,” she sighed as she sat back. “You really have got the hang of cooking a good vegan meal.” “Yes,” I beamed. “My secret is that I fry everything in bacon fat.”
I asked the parachute shop owner ” What will happen if it is not open ?”
He said, ” Bring it back with the receipt we will refund your money.”
I thought to myself “That is a reasonable offer.Laundry
Three women always hang their laundry out in the backyard. When it rains, however the laundry always gets wet.
All the laundry, that is, except for Sophie’s.
The other two women wonder why Sophie never has her laundry out on the days that it rains.
So one day they are all out in the backyard putting clothes on the line when one of the women says to Sophie, “Say how come when it rains, your laundry is never out?”<span class=”text_exposed_show”>
“Well,” says Sophie, ” when I wake up in the morning, I look over at Saul. If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it’s going to be a great day, and I can hang out the wash.”
“If his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know it’s going to rain, so I don’t hang out the wash.”
“What if he has an erection?” asks one of the women.
“Honey,” says Sophie, “on a day like that, you don’t do the laundry!”</span>The Vet
Every Sunday a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. It went on for weeks until the priest, overcome with curiosity, approached her.
“My dear, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,” he said.
“Why yes,” she replied, “every week my son sends me money, and what I don’t need I give to the church.”
“That’s wonderful. How much does he send you?” the priest asked. “He sends me $2,000 a week,” she replied proudly.
“Your son is very successful,” said the priest. “What does he do for a living?”
“He is a veterinarian,” she answered. “That is a very honourable profession,” the priest assured her.
“Where does he practice?”
“Well, she replied, “he has one cat house in Kansas City and another in New Orleans.”
<span class=”_4yxo”>I’ve an ambulance siren phobia.</span><span class=”_4yxo”>My wife left me for an ambulance driver and now when I hear one, I fear he is bringing her back.</span>
We were shopping yesterday at a high-end store and my wife complained that the whole time she was in there, she was getting closely followed around by this big fat dark lady. I replied, “That’s your shadow love…..”
Please stop asking for the perfect man for Christmas. Santa tried to kidnap me 3 times already this week
A woman gets cheated on by her husband.
Devastated, she doesn’t know how to continue to live her life. She heard that there’s a very wise monk who lives up in a mountain, and decided to go there to consult him.
After few days of traveling, walking, climbing, she reaches the top and meets the wise monk. “I have spent my whole life with him, my youth was dedicated to support him, take care of him. And now he left me with a young woman. My life is stolen, and I’m left with nothi<span class=”text_exposed_show”>ng. I don’t know what to do”.</span>
The monk gives her a ice cream and asks her to eat it. After she finishes eating, he ask: “Is the ice cream delicious?” “Yes”- she answer. “Do you want another one?” “Sure, please”. The monk looks her in the eyes and said “Do you see the problem now?”
The woman thinks for a while, and then slowly speak. “I guess human nature is greedy. You got one, then you want more, maybe a new one, bigger one. It’s never enough. And nothing lasts forever, anything is impermanence. We should be aware and not disappointed for that”.
The monk shakes his head “No, I mean you are too fat.”
I got a call off the police today telling me my wife had been involved in a car accident.
“Is she okay?” I asked, worriedly.
“Well, she does have a couple of big bumps and a very large gash.” he replied.
“I know that, but is she injured in any way?”
The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: “What do you do at Christmas time?:
Patrick addressed the class: “Well Miss, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.”
“Very nice Patrick.” She said. “Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?”
“Well, Miss, me and my sister also go to church with Mum and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put chocolate biscuits and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep waiting for Santa to bring our presents.”
Realising there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked. “Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?”
Isaac said, “Well, it’s the same thing every year Miss…. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad’s toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and sing: “What A Friend We Have In Jesus.”…then we all go to the Bahamas.”
Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow.
“Ooh!” said the presenter, “This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?”“Fucing sticks” said Paddy.
<span class=”_4yxo”>So i said to the German bloke “why is that lump of meat in the boot of your car?”</span><span class=”_4yxo”>”Dat is my spare veal” he replied.</span>
The wife and I were out having dinner when She said “We’ve been living together for Thirty three years now and you still haven’t popped the question..”
“Good point..” I said “When are you moving out…?”
I’ve been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately.
The most common one seems to be: “You said you’d be home from the pub three fucking hours ago!”Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother was putting cold cream on her face. “Why are you rubbing that cream on you face, mummy?” he asked. “To stay pretty for daddy,” said his mother. A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue. “What’s the matter mummy?” asked Little Johnny. “Giving up?”
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