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Micks 2 years, 12 months ago.
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As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a
grave-side service for a homeless man with no family or friends.The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and, being a
typical man, I did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour
late.I saw the back hoe and the crew, who were eating lunch, but the hearse had
apparently already left. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness,
and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid
already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long.The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch, and I began to pour
out my heart and soul to the Lord. As I preached the workers began to say
‘Amen,’ ‘Praise the Lord, ‘ and ‘Glory’! I preached, and I preached, like
I’d never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations.I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car. As I was
opening the car door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the
workers saying to another, ‘I ain’t never seen anything like that before
and I’ve been puttin’ in septic tanks for twenty years.’
VRSenator065
- Adelaide SA
- VR Senator LSx454 1960 Kombi (project) 1921 Nash Hot Rod (future project)
View build HERE
Posts: 5 777
lol
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks
him how he is feeling.
‘I’m O.K. but I didn’t like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,’ he answered.
‘What did he say,’ asked the nurse.
‘Oops!’
VRSenator065
- Adelaide SA
- VR Senator LSx454 1960 Kombi (project) 1921 Nash Hot Rod (future project)
View build HERE
Posts: 5 777Lol, keep them coming, its a fun thing each day
A drunk was walking down the beach when he stumbled upon a magic lamp. The sot picked up the lamp and gave it a brisk rub. Out popped a Genie.
“Master,” said the genie, “You may have any three things you wish for, Your wish is my command.”
The drunk pondered for a moment and wished for, “A bottle of whiskey that never runs dry.” Poof, a bottle appeared in his hand. The drunk put the bottle to his lips and took a big swig, tossing off about half the bottle. Zhazam, like magic the bottle refilled its self.
“Master, what else do you require,” asked the genie? “You have two more wishes”
The sot responded, “I want me two more bottles just like this one!”
VRSenator065
- Adelaide SA
- VR Senator LSx454 1960 Kombi (project) 1921 Nash Hot Rod (future project)
View build HERE
Posts: 5 777lol, these are good, I will give you that, I literally chuckled
Mick and Ed are quietly sitting in a boat fishing,
and drinking beer when suddenly Ed says,
‘I think I’m gonna divorce my wife –
she ain’t spoke to me in over 2 months.’Mick spits, sips his beer and says, ‘Better think it over,
women like that are hard to find.’A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. When the officer approached the car the man immediately became beligerant for being pulled over. The officer finally having his fill of the guys lip told him “shut up. I’m going to haul you in and put you in jail until the chief gets back.” The guy relizing he has gotten himself in deep trouble Began to try and explain his way out of it. “But, officer, I just wanted to say”the officer cut him off and told him once again “to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”
“Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”For our Silver Wedding Anniversary I put a map of the world on a corkboard and gave my wife a dart. I told her that we would go wherever the dart landed. She said she was aiming for anywhere in the Mediterranean.
I am happy to announce that we will soon be spending two weeks in our laundry!
Two blondes are walking down the street when the come upon a makeup compact laying on the sidewalk. One of the blondes picks it up opens it up and takes a look inside. After looking in the mirror she says to the other, “Thats funny there is a picture in this compact and it looks awful familiar but I can place who it is.” The second blonde takes a look and says “Dah thats me stupid.”
Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, “What is wrong with you?” Adam said he didn”t have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and she would be called “woman.”
God said, “This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you”ve had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give “love” and compassion whenever needed.” Adam asked God, “What will this woman cost?” God said, “An arm and a leg.” Adam said, “What can I get for just a rib?” The rest is history…Teacher asks her students to name medicines they know and state their uses.
Little Susan stands and says, CROCIN
Teacher: Used for?
Susan: I think HeadacheTeacher: Good
Musa: PIRITON
Teacher: used for?
Musa: Helps in coughing…Teacher: Excellent!!
Little Johnny (stands confidently): VIAGRA
Teacher (nearly falls off her chair, shocked): What for???
Johny: I think Diarrhea
Teacher: Who told you that?
Johnny: Everynight my mom tells Dad,
“Take two VIAGRA Pills and maybe that little sh*t will get harder tonight….!!!Teacher collapsed !!
A distraught senior citizen phoned her
Doctor’s’ office.
“Is it true,” she wanted to know,
“that the
Medication you prescribed has to be taken for the
rest of my life?”
“Yes, I’m afraid so,” the doctor
told her
There was a moment of silence before the
senior lady replied, “I’m wondering, then,
just
how serious is my condition because this
Prescription is marked ‘NO REFILLS’.”
An older gentleman was on the operating table
awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a
Renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to
speak to his son.
“Yes, Dad, what is it? ”
“Don’t be nervous, son; do your
best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if
something happens to me, your mother is going to come
and live with you and your wife….”
Little johnny jokes are best
Vsl98
VRSenator065
- Adelaide SA
- VR Senator LSx454 1960 Kombi (project) 1921 Nash Hot Rod (future project)
View build HERE
Posts: 5 777
Three prisoners are captured and are about to be executed. They are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.
The first man asks for a large pizza, which he is served before being taken away.
The second man requests a Filet Mignon, which he is served before also being taken away.
The third man requests a plate of strawberries.
The officers are surprised and reply: “Strawberries?”
“Yes, Strawberries,” he repeats.
The officers answer: “But they are out of season!”
The man shrugs and says: “I’ll wait…”
I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing “fairly well” for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, “Do you think I’ll live to be 80?”
He asked, “Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?”
“Oh no,” I replied. “I’ve never done either.”
Then he asked, “Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?”
I said “No, I’ve heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!”
“Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, ballooning, or rock climbing ?”
“No, I don’t,” I said.
He said, “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?”
“No,” I said. “I’ve never done any of those things.”
He looked at me and said, “Then why do you care if you live to be 80?”
VRSenator065
- Adelaide SA
- VR Senator LSx454 1960 Kombi (project) 1921 Nash Hot Rod (future project)
View build HERE
Posts: 5 777^lol.
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